Secrets Unshared
by lauryn07
Summary: I finally updated! Carter starts to break down.
1. Part One

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters that appear on the show, however I have made up a few of my own.  
  
Secrets Unshared: Part One  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
They hadn't officially broke up. They were just getting their own lives figured out first. Then they would go back to their relationship and fix it. But ever since the day he stepped back into the ER after spending yet another week in Africa searching for Luka, he was different. Although he was just as good a doctor, if not better, he heart wasn't in it like before. And since he wasn't really talking to her, or anyone else, it was hard to figure out what was going on in his mind. His eyes were void of any emotion as he glanced at her one morning, but his eyes strayed as Kerry approached.  
  
"Carter, let's take a walk," she said softly.  
  
"I'm backing up."  
  
"Oh well. We have other doctors. There's someone here who wants to talk to you."  
  
"Seriously Kerry, I have work." But she wouldn't listen to him. Abby watched as he was led into an empty room. Her eyes remained fixed on the door until it opened and he walked out.  
  
"John, don't leave."  
  
"Go away, Kerry," he said sternly before walking into the lounge. She followed him in.  
  
"Should I call someone?" Kerry asked.  
  
"No."  
  
"Your father?"  
  
"I'm not helpless. I know how to run my own life," he told her. "Can I leave now?"  
  
"You have to work with me here, John. Everyone's worried."  
  
"This isn't any of their damn business. Since when has my life become so interesting? I'm not on drugs. I don't need a babysitter."  
  
"Are you sleeping?" she asked blocking his path.  
  
"I've had insomnia since the stabbing. We already know this."  
  
"So you're not sleeping?"  
  
"You're a good doctor, Kerry, but you're being a lousy friend. Now get out of my way."  
  
The argument could be heard at admit but no one knew what was really going on. Then Carter walked out of the lounge.  
  
"Jerry, I'm expecting some labs and a call from someone in Canada. Page me when they come," Carter said before disappearing out the bay doors.  
  
Abby only hesitated a minute before following him. She expected to see him walking into oncoming traffic but instead found him sitting against the cement wall smoking.  
  
"I figured you're be halfway to the West Coast by now," she said putting her hands into her pockets.  
  
"I have a responsibility. I'm not going to just leave it."  
  
"Didn't seem that way." He didn't say anything. "When'd you start smoking again?"  
  
"There wasn't a lot to do in Africa."  
  
"Are you busy tonight?" she asked as he pager went off.  
  
"I have to take this call." He stood up, tossed his cigarette and walked inside, taking the phone away from Jerry. "Hello? Hi. I've been waiting for your call." He idly began doodling on a scratch piece of paper. "Oh yes, saving lives by the minute. How is he? That's an improvement. Don't ride him too hard." His smile turned flat as the person on the other end spoke. "Really? That's interesting." He took the test results Haleh handed him and scanned them. "No, I just meant it wasn't expected. Your choice or his? I am not commenting on that. I'll probably be shot just for taking your call. It's not funny." Gallant walked up holding some charts. "Hey, listen, when you're in town next, call me. We can grab a couple of cokes." He smiled softly, the first smile Abby had seen cross his face in weeks. "Okay. Take care." He hung up the phone and followed Gallant down the hall towards his patients.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Author's Note: This one is really a work in progress. I don't have much more than this, so please R&R and let me know of any suggestions of ways to take this one. 


	2. Part Two

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters that appear on the show, however I have made up a few of my own.  
  
Secrets Unshared: 2  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"How are you feeling?" Susan asked leaning over the desk to find Carter sitting on the floor.  
  
"Why does everyone keep asking that?" he asked standing up.  
  
"Because you're my best friend and I worry," she said with a smile.  
  
"Carter, Doug Ross on line one," Frank said.  
  
"Doug Ross? Why is he calling you?" Susan asked.  
  
"What's he want?" Carter asked, already dreading the conversation.  
  
"Says it's about your cousin."  
  
"Take a message."  
  
"What's going on?" Susan asked.  
  
"Leave it alone."  
  
"He says if you don't pick up the phone he's calling Philadelphia and then Kerry."  
  
"What's in Philadelphia?" Susan asked.  
  
"I said leave it alone," he sternly said before he stood up and grabbed the phone from Frank. "Why are you calling?" Carter growled. "No, you need to understand that this isn't your problem. I don't need you doing me any favors." He sighed as he listened. "Hi. No, I can take care of this." His tone had suddenly changed to a lighter vibe. "Yeah, happily married with kids. No, don't call her. Because she has enough problems of her own. Who have you been talking to?" Carter's eyes darter to Susan's. "I'll have to have a little chat with her. Just give me the number. I'll take care of it." Carter jotted down the number. "Bye."  
  
He was writing something down that Susan couldn't see but she figured now was a good time to escape.  
  
"Don't even move. I haven't even started with you," he said before pocketing the note.  
  
"Carter, we were just catching up."  
  
"Catch up on your own lives. Not mine."  
  
"We're all looking out for you."  
  
"Stop. You're just making it all worse," he growled before walking off in the opposite direction.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Things seemed to improve when they all took a break from asking him questions. When he realized that he wasn't the topic of conversation anymore, he began to return back to his jovial self. He seemed more rested, more relaxed, more enjoyable. But his eyes still hid fear and anger, which was what worried Susan most. She knew there had to be some way to get through to him, but he sensed when the conversation was about to begin and would stop her before the words escaped her lips. The longer this went on, the more it affected him, and although his performance at work only became greater, she knew his life outside was diminishing at a rapid rate. But someone else cut to the chase before she could. Someone who could handle John Carter.  
  
"I'm looking for John Carter," a light, female voice said, gently placed a strand of hair behind her ear.  
  
"He's in trauma. Take a seat," Frank said.  
  
She did as she was told and not much more than ten minutes later and she saw him sauntering down the hall with another doctor hot on his heels, dressed in blue scrubs, his hair sticking up from frustrated swipes. Years of stressful work and an apparently stressful life had etched weary lines on his eyes, and days of lack of sleep had darkened his eyes. He was more mature, older, and more beautiful than the way she had memorized his face so many years ago.  
  
"It's just a couple of guys getting some beers," Pratt said.  
  
"I don't drink."  
  
"Soda then. Whatever you want. Bars have soda."  
  
"No thanks," Carter said walking up to the board and erasing a name.  
  
"You can bring a girl." He raised his hands as Carter turned and stared at him.  
  
"Scooter?" her voice rang through his ears as Pratt started to ramble on about something else. He didn't move from his spot as he tried to think of some viable reason that she would be standing in this ER during this time.  
  
"Frank, get Doug Ross on the phone right now," Carter said. But as he finally looked up into her face, he watched her hang up the phone. "Go home," he said.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Author's Note: Let me know what you think about the latest chapter and give me an suggestions as to how I should continue, I'm kind of stuck. Please continue to R&R. 


	3. Part Three

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the original ER characters, however I may have a few of my own.  
  
Secrets Unshared: 3  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
He stared at the woman. He wanted to be able to escape his past, not relive it. Except now people were starting to meddle where they didn't belong, and now he was going to have to deal with it all. He stood a distance from her, refusing to say anymore. She wasn't going to make him crack.  
  
"Aren't we macho? You really think this is working?" she asked.  
  
"Go away. Go back to Philly and CHOP and your own life."  
  
"Do you really want to do this here? You know the rumor mill. You know everyone will find out." He stood motionless tuning out the soft whispers that were beginning to start and Kerry walked up.  
  
"Anna," she said as she walked to the board.  
  
"I'm going to steal a doctor, Kerry. If you don't mind. I won't keep him long."  
  
"By all means," Kerry said.  
  
"Good. We're taking a little trip, Carter," she said.  
  
"I really hate you," he said as he set his charts down. Abby silently watched him finally give in to one battle as he followed Anna out the bay doors.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
The second they stepped outside he pulled a cigarette out of his pocket. He'd been waiting forever for one but he didn't want to give into the temptation. Now that he was forced out there, he didn't have anything holding him back.  
  
"Smoking will kill you," she said.  
  
"Better than doing this."  
  
"What the hell is your problem? Why are you so scared?" she asked.  
  
"I'm not scared and I don't have a problem."  
  
"You are so scared. Why?" She watched him walk over to the bench and sit down. "You know that everyone in that ER cares about you. They only want to see you succeed."  
  
"I've never been open about my family. People know that I have money but they all assume it's perfect. It's like if you don't have money you have the worst life, but if you have money you have the best life. Do people really think that money can buy you everything?" He took a long drag of his cigarette. "When Bobby died, I was on my own. Sure we had maids and a cook who made sure my laundry was done and that I ate. But the second summer was over I was shipped to boarding school and I was practically forced to stay there. I considered it my home. I stayed there on vacations or I went home with my friends. It wasn't like my family was buying me presents anyway. They were always sent to school."  
  
"No one expects everyone's lives to be perfect."  
  
"They expect mine to be." He stared at his feet before tossing the cigarette to the ground.  
  
"What's going on in your head?" she asked. He didn't respond as his eyes diverted from the ground to where Susan and Abby walked into the ambulance bay and began walking toward the roach coach. "Don't pay attention to them."  
  
"How come everyone else can be depressed about something, but the second I show signs of unhappiness, then I'm using drugs and need help."  
  
"That's not what they're thinking."  
  
"When did you lose your virginity?" he asked, looking back down at his shoes.  
  
"Sixteen, why?" She watched him fidget, clasping and unclasping his hands.  
  
"I was young. The point is that at this sexual harassment seminar Abby and Susan thought they would be cute and find out how old everyone was when they did. And I told them and they laughed, like it was a joke. Normally, losing your virginity should be special, yet in a majority of cases it's just spur of the moment. I mean, with Luka, he waited until he wedding night and I'm sure with the rest of them they really liked the person they were with."  
  
"What's your story?" she asked.  
  
"I didn't get attention from my parents, so the second someone showed any interest in me, romantic or not, I jumped on the chance just to have the attention."  
  
"How old were you?"  
  
"I was eleven," he stated, almost expecting Anna to start laughing.  
  
"You realize that something isn't right about that, right?" she asked. He didn't respond. "Did you talk to someone about that?"  
  
"People know."  
  
"What people? Your friends at the sexual harassment seminar?" Anna asked. She could tell by his lack of responding to anything that he was frustrated.  
  
"You know what? I don't want to discuss this anymore."  
  
"Carter, you need to talk about it with someone. No one says you can't be sad sometimes, but there are extremes."  
  
"There were extremes where I was on pain meds, before I went to Atlanta. Now it's normal. Especially when there is one tragedy after another happening in your life."  
  
"I'm worried about you."  
  
"Doug shouldn't have called you. I told him I'd take care of it."  
  
"Were you really going to call?" she asked. He didn't respond. "That's what I thought."  
  
"I didn't want to drag you back into my life. Things ended rough between us and I knew I could always count on you. I knew the second someone mentioned my name and that there were problems, you would come. I didn't want you to see this."  
  
"See what? You struggle? I've seen you like this before."  
  
"This time's different. There's more. It's like one disappointment after another." By this time he'd reached into his pocket and pulled out another cigarette.  
  
"At one time you were my best friend. I know we've both changed, we've both moved on, but I thought that we could still be able to talk to each other."  
  
"We're talking now, aren't we?"  
  
"What happened with Chase?" she asked.  
  
"What? Doug just called and said that I was in trouble and if you didn't come then I would kill myself?" he asked sarcastically.  
  
"No. I said you were having problems with your family, including your cousin and you could use a friend."  
  
"I have friends."  
  
"Apparently not ones that you talk to," she said.  
  
"I don't feel like my personal life is any of their business. Rumors start and so do assumptions. It's already assumed that I'm relapsing and soon I'll be sent away."  
  
"I can't stay here forever so either you confide in me now and we make you feel better, or you find some friends you can confide in," Anna said as he stared at her.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Author's Note: This story, unlike my others, is being written chapter by chapter as I get to it. So please bear with me as I work through this and figure out where I want it to go. I would appreciate any and all feedback and suggestions you have. 


	4. Part Four

Disclaimer: I do not own the original ER characters, however I have made up a few of my own  
  
Secrets Unshared: 4  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"I need to get back to work," he mumbled standing up.  
  
"Carter, talk to me," she pleaded grabbing his arm.  
  
"Anna, there are few things I'm good at in life. One is my job. I'm not giving that up. So, get on the El, take a little ride to my house, make yourself comfortable, and I'll talk to you when I'm off," he said walking towards the bay doors.  
  
"I'll be waiting," she said softly as she heading toward the El.  
  
"Bye," he said before he disappeared inside.  
  
"Get everything worked out?" Kerry asked the second he stepped back in.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Good. Do you have a minute to talk?" Kerry asked.  
  
"Fine. It's better to get all the accusations out now, instead of waiting for it. Do you want a blood test? Do you want me to pee in a cup again?" he asked.  
  
"No, I want to talk about your cousin."  
  
"That's the one thing I don't want to talk about. For once, can my life not be the highlight of everyone's lives?" he asked. Kerry didn't respond so he took that as her answer and walked off, grabbing his charts as he went.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
The house was quiet when he entered it. For a split second he forgot Anna was somewhere in the house, and he started for the stairs, until he heard her voice.  
  
"Took you long enough," she said, still disguised by darkness. He stared at the stairs until her form started to take shape.  
  
"Why are you sitting in the dark?" he asked.  
  
"It's kind of comforting."  
  
"On the stairs?"  
  
"I don't really know my way around. I didn't want to walk in on anything I shouldn't."  
  
"Like what? The maid making out with the butler? I doubt that," he said with a smile as he set down his bag and sat down a couple steps below her.  
  
"Or your mother yelling at someone on the phone?"  
  
"That's not going to happen anytime soon."  
  
"Really? Because I distinctly remember walking in on her an hour ago and she wasn't too happy."  
  
"My mother's here?" he asked shocked.  
  
"Yeah. She was here when I arrived. Wasn't too happy to see me. She almost didn't let me come in but apparently your butler remembered me from ages ago."  
  
"Sorry. There is no excuse for her," he said. "How about we disappear where she can't find us?"  
  
"Sounds perfect to me."  
  
"Okay. Let's go," he said picking up his bag and leading her by the small of the back up the stairs.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
He could feel himself drifting off to sleep when her sleepy voice pierced her ears.  
  
"Are you as tired as I am?" she asked.  
  
"Oh yeah. Do you want to crash?" he asked.  
  
"I'm too comfortable."  
  
For hours they had been laying on two fluffy couches, not really talking but enjoying the feeling that someone was there just in case. For Anna, it was just knowing that somehow this was helping him through his rough time. For John, it was the fact that whenever he started talking about his life, she was right there waiting.  
  
"Chase was released from the hospital about a week ago." He started. When Anna remained silent he continued. "He moved into the house because the help was already hired. Things were okay. He was progressing. Showing great signs of recovery. Until he went out one night and never came home. A couple days later a detective came to the house and then the following morning showed up at the hospital. Chase had met up with some of his old friends, stole a car after buying some drugs, and disappeared. They've had some developments, captured many of these drug addicts who were hiding out in this old house, killed some. And now they refuse to tell me anything. We've had so many overdoses come in since Chase went missing. It's only a matter of time before he's brought in again, except this time he's not going to survive. And the only thing I can think of is that I wish we had reversed roles because I'm not better than he is. I may not sink back into taking the drugs, but the strong addiction is still there. Smoking doesn't help. If anything it makes me want to shoot up even more. And I can't even start drinking because I know Romano would do anything to get me out of that ER. It's sort of in the program. What other vices can a person have?" he lapped into silence, hoping she would say something, but she remained silent along with him.  
  
Moments later as both their breathing started to deepen, the door to the library opened and light filled the room, causing them both to flinch.  
  
"John? When did you get here?" Eleanor Carter said, seeing her son with the woman she met earlier.  
  
"I just got off work. What are you doing here?" he asked standing up and walking over to his mother, kissing her cheek.  
  
"I was flying through and thought I would see how you were doing."  
  
"I'm fine."  
  
"Your father said you went to Africa?"  
  
"Yeah. On a mission. Why didn't you call to tell me?"  
  
"I called and you weren't home. This isn't just your house."  
  
"You're right. Make yourself at home."  
  
"Who's your friend?"  
  
"Anna and I use to work together. She was in the area and decided to come visit."  
  
"Well, I'll leave you to whatever you were doing. I'm going to bed," she said before closing the door and sending them into darkness again.  
  
He stood motionless in the same spot until he felt her hands on his back. He could feel her breath on his neck and she closed the distance between them, but he still didn't move.  
  
"You are not like your cousin, and I'm glad that you're not in that position. You're strong and although I love Chase and can't stand to see him go through this again, it would be harder to lose you." He reached out and grabbed her hand and felt all of her energy seep into his body. Maybe he was doing something right for once.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Author's Note: Sorry it's taken me so long to get the next part up. I've had a hard time with this story so any opinions and suggestions are greatly appreciated and always welcome. Please continue to R&R and read my other stories as you're at it. 


End file.
